Even Adults Need Those “Look What I Did!” Moments
September 28, 2012 | Posted by Roshawn Watson under Personal Finance, psychology |
Child: Look at what I did mommy!
Mom: Wow, that’s nice dear…good job!
It is funny how as we grow older, we outgrow many things such as bibs, recess, training pants, and naptime. However, one constant appears to be our need for approval. Even as adults, psychologists note that we have an overwhelming desire to be affirmed and judged competent. What’s interesting are the major implications this desire have to our wallets. While it drives some of us to consume, it motivates others to produce. Today, we look at some different ways our need for approval can affect our wealth.
Approve Me
As we develop cognitively, our self-awareness increases, as does our dependency on the opinions of others. According to research by the late Cooley (1903) and Mead (1934), we begin to construct our concept of self by incorporating the perceived opinions of others into a “generalized other.” We decide whether to esteem ourselves highly or lowly by gazing into a social mirror. The ‘self’ that is reflected back is comprised of what we believe are the collective opinions of others, “the generalized other.” Now, this isn’t necessarily done consciously, so we often don’t realize how much of our concept of self is influenced by our social circles. However, numerous studies suggest that praise, approval, and support from peers, friends, and family members are powerful predictors of our global sense of self-worth. Notably, of all the types of support we can get, approval from others was the most highly correlated with self worth.
Related article: Why You NEED Blow Money
Conspicuous Consumers
When you live in a luxury house, you are also buying a luxury lifestyle. Included in this lifestyle are the pressures to redecorate frequently, join the country club, and send your children to private schools. Your property taxes continue to skyrocket, along with the cost of utilities and insurance. Plus the prices of nearby services tend to be higher, from grocery stores to dry cleaners. Thomas Stanley
This desire for approval causes some of us to conspicuously consume (spend like money is going out of style) because of what we believe others will think about us for making such purchases. That’s why some of us will opt for the flashier cars or outfits. It is why we sometimes will buy certain homes (surprisingly, it is not purely for the better school districts). In fact, some rich kids and wannabes will even over-disclose details of their excesses to the extent of posting images of their receipts on public websites just to “prove” their fortunate financial status, which is known as “receipt porn”. The status labels are a way of announcing to the world “I’ve made it,” “I’m still there,” or at least “I’m alright”; they allow us to gain or maintain the approval of others, at least temporarily.
I remember watching an episode of the Montel Williams Show where a financial expert blasted a poor kid for having a pair of new and pricey kicks (shoes). His rationale was obvious: the money spent for those shoes could have been put to so much better use elsewhere. The financial expert was VERY indignant about the poor choice. “Why would you purchase this?” he said. Montel responded in a way that I will always remember. He mentioned all of the terrible things that boy had survived; his mere presence, after all of that, was a testimony of his resilience. Although the kid didn’t have much, those shoes provided him the external validation that allowed him to continue holding his head high. Thus, while it was clear that name brand shoes were not necessary, they served as his lifeline to sanity. Dear friend, it is NOT “personal finance” unless it is “personal.”
Related article: Broke People Afford Everything
Of course not all indulgences are bad for your wallet, as we discussed for the last 2 weeks. You don’t necessarily have to give up your lattes to achieve financial security, and your entire financial plan may be in jeopardy if you deprive yourself entirely. Thus, before one can truly determine whether financial pathology is driving purchases, it is important to appreciate the underlying motivations for spending, not just the dollar amounts.
It is not “personal finance” unless it is “personal.”
Builders
Of course, everyone is not oriented to conspicuously consume. For example, the majority of the millionaires are relatively frugal, even with respect to the typical American household. Does this mean that they are super human: they are not susceptible to the same desires as nonmillionaires? That’s not even close. Just because most millionaires choose NOT to acquire artifacts simply to denote financial superiority doesn’t mean that their desire for approval wanes. The desire just manifests in a different way.
Related article: When Lattes are Not Your Problem
I believe this desire is often channeled into building. It is not coincidental that most millionaires own businesses, nor is it an anomaly that the top 2 millionaire-producing occupations are professions requiring considerable time to even gain entry into (physicians [10.01%] and lawyers [8.85%]). Being able to build thriving businesses or careers is frequently a source of great esteem for millionaires, just as having designer duds and symbols of high status provide esteem to conspicuous consumers. Unfortunately, this is where the similarities end because whereas the desire for approval increases wealth significantly for the builders, it eviscerates the wealth of the conspicuous consumers.
The link between approval and production in builders is why some become taken aback when they feel they are not being allowed to “own” their victories: diminishing the self-effort and sacrifice involved in creating wealth, businesses, and personal brands is akin to assaulting a critical part of their esteem.
Before one can truly decide whether financial pathology is driving purchases, it is important to appreciate the underlying motivations for spending, not just the dollar amounts.
Closing Thoughts
Just because you no longer hang with your school social circle, doesn’t mean that you are not unknowingly being influenced by a desire for acceptance. Whether the desire manifests in terms of professional competence, heroic efforts on the domestic front (super mommies and daddies), building extraordinary businesses, or altering your attire to present yourself similarly to your peers, it is unlikely that all your actions are indifferent to a social mirror. Rather than allowing this desire to diminish our wealth for fleeting glances of approval, channel it into something productive. The next time you say “Look at what I did,” let it be to announce something significant.
Lastly, if you like this article, please subscribe to my FREE email updates or RSS feed (reader), Retweet it, Like It on Facebook, Tipd it, Fark it, Stumble it, and tag it on Delicious. Also, click here to receive my eBook for FREE.
Related articles
Broke People Afford Everything
When Lattes are Not Your Problem
Why You NEED Blow Money
Why the Rich Get Richer
Image Credit: Pennuja
It seems to me that some people need the approval of others more. I wonder what determines that. Is it the self esteem built up by the parents? It seems that some of our entertainers need applause 24/7 ."Look at what I did" (build a business) is better than "look at what I have" ($300 sneakers) etc.
I like the way you set out your meaningful quotes.
Thanks Robert! I don't know what is the strongest influencer (nature versus nurture). I know personally, I don't feel like I am heavily influenced by others, but that hasn't always been the case. I still find it raises it head at the most unexpected times. Additionally, I know that this desire for approval increases a lot at adolescence, but I couldn't find at what point it wanes. That doesn't mean that it doesn't wane, particularly as we become skilled at defense mechanisms against it (overriding it). Then, there are others who are completely oblivious to others or at least they are indifferent. They just have a different orientation, and I really didn't speak about them today. We all know narcissists who fall into this category (I"m not saying everyone who is indifferent is a narcissist but just narcissist is a popular personality trait that would fall into this broad category), so we know people who just don't care what others think do exist. The actor or other entertainer example occurred to me to too. It is like they are driven by a compulsion. Like you, I definitely glad that I outgrew the conspicuous consumption manifestation of this desire.
Thanks for mentioning the setting apart of the meaningful quotes. If you want to do that in blogger, the feature is called blockquote. The HTML is simple ("blockquote" text that you want to set apart "/blockquote"). Just replace the quotation marks with brackets.
Well said! Delving into why people do what they do with their money is interesting and the basis of a rather new business called Financial Therapy.
Interesting. I think I like financial therapy then. Thanks for the comment!
I agree with your hypothesis completely. I am going to a wedding with a whole bunch of my college friends in a few weeks, and I have thought – more than once – that I want to buy a new outfit so I can "Show off" how I'm doing. If that isn't desperate plea for acceptance (and help) I don't know what is…
Wow, at least you are honest with yourself and know beforehand. Regardless of what you decide to do, your awareness of the drivers is important and cause for celebration. Many of us have that but don't have the the integrity to admit it.
Actually, we need that every time its just that maybe sometimes we pretend to act so cool and play as if we ain't so proud of what we did, but deep inside we are waiting for somebody to tap our shoulder and say, "HEY! Great job!". Am i right? hehehe.
I think you are right in a great deal of situations. It's only natural to want it. Some of us express the desire different ways and look for feedback, approval, and acceptance from different sources.
Need for approval is the basis behind keeping up with the joneses! Some people grow out of it, some don't. Can be a very expensive craving!
Hey MC,
Welcome back. Yes, I'm with you. It definitely drives the competitive nature of spending, and you're right. It is quite a costly habit.
[…] Watson from Watson Inc presents Even Adults Need Those “Look What I Did!” Moments, and says, “Even as adults, psychologists note that we have an overwhelming desire to be […]
As always, well written. I have spent most of my life up to now trying to be accepted. I grew up being bullied a lot so I think it is a complex thing. I am doing better at being my own person and I take a lot less crap than I used too but my old ways still sneak up.
Hey,
Thanks so much. I can definitely understand being bullied. It is amazing how that can affect you years after the assault/torture was done. Congrats on your change. I know it doesn't come easy. It is a necessary part of the maturing.
Whatever you do in life, you need to value yourself almost above anyone else. If you can't appreciate (love?) yourself then how can you expect anyone else to do so?
This is not to say we should put others down because of course they also need to appreciate (love) themselves in the same way. I don't advocate total egocentricity, treading on people or other distasteful traits but just that you should be able to like yourself and understand that you have value. Where this is killed at bith by dominating parents for example, true happiness becomes very difficult to find.
And as we never grow up, it is inevitable that this 'childish' behaviour continues to adulthood and into old age. There really is nothing wrong with that IMHO!
Dear John,
That's very perceptive. I'm a true believer in valuing oneself too. I feel we often are far too dismissive of the gifts that we have. Instead, we focus on the negative, our limitations, and our shortcomings. An overbearing familial environment can certainly train you ignore yourself. It can thwart the fire within you so to speak. Just like Miss T said with the bullying, the environment you grow up in can shape your life years afterwards.
[…] Even Adults Need Those “Look What I Did!” Moments Everyone needs to feel appreciated and respected, at least every once in a while. (@ watson inc.) […]
Well-written insightful post. As an only girl among many brothers, I had a difficult time feeling I was as "good" as the boys. It can be a given that self-esteem can be more of a problem for girls and birth order can also affect self-esteem.
I agree with the comment above about being bullied as a child; it can manifest itself as a need to "prove" oneself as an adult, whether by accumulation of possessions or pressure for achievement.
After years of being caught up in buying stuff I couldn't afford, I'm getting my debt under control, but struggling with my self-esteem…it is like the economic crisis has sent me back to childhood!
Dear Sued,
Thanks so much for your kind comment. I can only imagine the role being the less-dominant gender can play on ones psyche. We derive a great deal of ourselves based on the social mirror that we derive from the perceived opinions of others. Thus, even subtle differences in how your brothers were treated could do a great deal to motivate or demotivate you. It's quite a fascinating situation personally.
That's interesting: bullying and the need to prove oneself! That kind plays into the whole "builder" versus "spender" paradox that we discussed earlier. They are really two sides of the same coin, different manifestations of the same "pathology," if you can call being driven to be what most people consider successful a disease. thank you for such a thoughtful comment.
I'm interested in the part of your discussion that many millionaires don't practice conspicuous consumption. I agree that the average millionaire I worked with was far more interested in the product than the money. Sure, they enjoyed having the money, but it always seemed that their friends and family were more impressed with it than the business owner.
Yep, I have heard that scenario countless times. The builders are often NOT the weird ones, but they attract the crazies. Who would have thought?
I think it's fair to say most of us crave (and even need) a degree of external validation.
[…] Shawn at Watson Inc appeals to our inner child and reminds us that even adults need those ‘Look What I Did Moments’. […]
Great post! A bit of praise never hurt anyone!
We should manage our adult life with proper ways and be controlled. Eating such thing is not more good for health, we should use fresh foods which can be helpful for health. This will help you in study.